Prognosticator I am not…

In honor (eulogy?) of GM likely entering bankruptcy on Monday, upon which ownership of the automaker will be bestowed upon government and the unions, I will attempt to predict what the future may hold for the brand and especially those ignorant enough to embrace the new Government Motors “green” vehicles of the future.
GPS is a wonderful advancement in vehicular navigatory technology. What used to take a passenger with a crinkled rest-stop roadmap and a flashlight can now be accomplished with a bright, vivid, 4-inch video screen and the voice of Patrick Stewart. Thanks to orbiting satellites and the internet, you no longer have a good excuse for leaving the house an hour late because you didn’t set your alarm. “I got lost! That’s why I was late to the charity function where I was supposed to auction myself as a date for some lonely old woman to help raise money to cure cancer in dogs and make my new lady think I’m sensitive!” Sorry, GPS has foiled your plans.
I envision a future, however, in which your new Government Motors ultra fuel efficient vehicle uses GPS not to tell you where you are going. Rather, in the interest of census data, scientific research, enhancing fuel conservation, reducing climate change and saving the planet, GPS will tell some bureaucrats where you went, how far, for how long, who drove, and how fast you traveled. GPS will strictly enforce speed limits and mileage quotas. Feel like a nice, relaxed Sunday drive? Well, your car won’t start because the GPS nanny says you’ve already driven too many miles, used too much fuel, and spewed too much CO2 into the fragile atmosphere this week during your trip to the store to pick up milk, apples, and a shovel to dig in your government mandated compost pile. And don’t even think of straying more than a mile or two over the speed limit. GPS knows where you live.
In the interest of fuel efficiency, vehicles will once again return to those halcyon days of light weight, small-car driving dynamics. Driving will be fun! I’ve read car magazines. They love small British sports cars like Austin Healeys, Lotus Super Sevens, MGs. Old Porsche 356 roadsters. Or look at modern cars like the Mazda Miata or the Mini. People smile just at the sight of these cute, fun small cars. Fun, that is, until to actually open the trunk of your Smart Car and stare with disbelief at the cart you just struggled to push out of Sam’s Club. “Now where am I going to put this case of canned green beans?” Fun, that is, until a strong gust blows you off the interstate in Nebraska. Fun, that is, until you hit black ice and accordion into a bridge abutment. If you survive, you may wish you were still driving your grandpa’s 1979 Lincoln Town Car. There’s just no substitute for 5000 pounds of car between you and that immovable object. If you survive, that is. Miniature space, miniature safety.
Of course if you do happen to crash your GM, you probably won’t be traveling very fast, which should help minimize damage and injury. Especially on the interstates. Since driving at higher speeds is less efficient and uses more fuel, what with wind resistance and so forth, not only will speeds limits be lowered legislatively, the new GM vehicles will be speed limited by capability. Small engines, low power, low speeds. Everyone wins!
Finally, make sure you bring your iPod, because one feature you definitely will never find in the new Government Motors vehicles is AM radio. Those conservative talk radio hosts only spew hatred and bile, so, for the greater good of society Government in its infinite wisdom will determine that your life will be much more productive and much happier if you never hear such vitriol. Sure, Rush Limbaugh claims he wants everybody to have all the freedom and opportunity in the world to enjoy the same achievements he’s accomplished, and he claims he wants to preserve our liberty guaranteed under the Constitution of the United States, but you know he’s really just a hate-peddler and warmonger. NPR, on the other hand, is just the sort of enlightening programming that will enhance your mood, placate your sense of government reliance and educate you on the harm we are doing to the environment with our smoke and soot spewing heavy industries, fossil fuel addiction, meat-eating, and the benefits of population control. It’s okay if you listen to misogynistic rap or satanic metal on your local FM station, because they care about the issues in your neighborhood that you care about, like bands coming to town to play local concerts and wacky prize contests in the parking lot at the local Arby’s. They’re not going to make wild accusations and unfounded claims that the President of the United States is intruding on our privacy with census surveys that ask how many cars you own and how long it takes you to drive to work or if you have a toilet, or making a mockery of the justice system with an activist Supreme Court pick or destroying businesses through illegal hostile takeovers and permanently damaging capitalism, or shifting the balance of society from a republic of free individuals to a dependent state of interest groups. They just want to give away some concert tickets and maybe a t-shirt.
These are my predictions for the future of GM, Government Motors. Let’s check back in a few years to see how close I am. Who knows, maybe I’ve got a future as a psychic. Maybe I should get a 1-900 number and run some infomercials on late-night TV…